Still Me, Just Finding My Way ✨

Finding my way through grief, chronic pain, and the unexpected changes of midlife.

Two years ago, life as I knew it began to change in ways I never could have imagined.

In February 2024, I lost my dad to advanced pancreatic cancer. Just two months later, in April, I said goodbye to my sweet dog of 16 years.

Two heartbreaking losses, so close together.

And somewhere in the middle of trying to process it all, my own health began taking some unexpected turns.

I broke my foot. Then, during an MRI with contrast, doctors discovered that my appendix was severely inflamed and pressing against my hip flexor. The crazy part? I had absolutely no typical symptoms of appendicitis.

Suddenly, I needed emergency surgery.

Between the broken foot, surgery, and having no one else to operate my yoga studio, I had to make the difficult decision to close its doors.

That was heartbreaking in a completely different way.

My studio wasn't just a business. It was a space I had created for connection, movement, healing, and community. A place where women could come exactly as they were.

And just like that, another part of my life was changing.

When My Body Had Other Plans

Even after recovering from surgery, something still wasn't right.

I continued experiencing pain on both sides of my body. In January 2025, I was referred to a rheumatologist and diagnosed with polymyalgia rheumatica (PMR), an inflammatory condition that causes pain and stiffness, particularly around the shoulders and hips.

I began taking steroids, which became part of my life until May 1, 2026.

After finally completing that long taper, I began noticing just how severe my hip pain and leg fatigue had become.

Another MRI revealed three bulging discs.

And here I am today, still trying to navigate what feels like an ever-changing puzzle.

Some days I feel hopeful. Other days, exhausted and frustrated. And sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and say, "Seriously? What now?"

Grieving the Woman I Used to Be

Something I've come to recognize through this journey is that grief doesn't always come from losing someone we love.

Sometimes, we grieve ourselves.

I miss the woman who could wake up, make plans, teach yoga, explore nature, and move through her day without giving her body a second thought.

I still feel like that woman on the inside.

I'm still creative, curious, inspired, and excited about life. I still have ideas, dreams, places I want to explore, and things I want to experience.

But sometimes my body simply can't keep up with my spirit.

And that has been one of the hardest parts of this journey.

If someone asked me what I miss most, my answer would actually be pretty simple.

Waking up without pain.

That's it.

Opening my eyes in the morning without immediately wondering what part of my body is going to hurt today.

Not having to evaluate how I feel before deciding what I can do.

Not having to negotiate with my body just to enjoy the things I love.

I miss the freedom of not having to think about it.

Chronic pain isn't just physical. It can be mentally and emotionally exhausting, too.

And some days, I really miss the woman I used to be.

When the Wellness Practitioner Needs Wellness

Here's something I've found particularly interesting about this journey.

I've spent years encouraging others to slow down, listen to their bodies, nourish themselves, and create space for healing.

I'm a yoga instructor, holistic health coach, and Reiki practitioner.

I know the importance of rest, gentle movement, mindfulness, and self-care.

But knowing these things and actually living them when your body is struggling are two very different experiences.

There isn't always a meditation, yoga pose, supplement, or healing practice that makes everything better.

And I'm learning to be okay with admitting that.

I still turn to the practices that nourish me. Gentle movement when my body allows it. I pray, I meditate, I spend lots of time in nature, and those quiet moments do help me feel grounded.

They don't magically erase the pain, but they help me reconnect with myself.

And sometimes, that's enough for the moment.

Finding the Magic in the Middle

I wish I could tell you that I've figured it all out.

That I've found the perfect combination of treatments, movement, and lifestyle changes that has brought me back to feeling like myself again.

But I haven't.

I'm still navigating appointments, exploring options, adjusting expectations, and learning what my body needs.

Some days I'm patient with the process. Other days, not so much!

What I'm beginning to understand is that I don't have to rush into becoming a new version of myself.

Maybe I need to give myself permission to grieve the old one first.

To acknowledge everything I've lost, everything that's changed, and everything I'm still trying to understand.

And perhaps that's something many of us experience in midlife, whether through health challenges, menopause, grief, changing relationships, or simply realizing that life looks different than we once imagined.

We're not always looking for someone to fix everything.

Sometimes, we just want to know we're not alone.

So, if you're navigating a season where your body, your life, or even your sense of self feels unfamiliar, I see you.

But I'm still here. Still curious. Still creating. Still finding little moments of joy and magic along the way.

Maybe the magic isn't in having everything figured out. Maybe it's in finding our way, one day at a time.

With love & a little Midlife Magic, ✨

Dawn